How do I interact with my friend who identifies as LGBTQ+?

INTRODUCTION (Gender & Sexuality Schedule Slide) Good morning. My name is David Sorn, and I’m the Lead Pastor here at Renovation Church We are in the final week of our series on what the Bible teaches on Gender & Sexuality And this morning we’re going to look at your “Top 5 Most Asked Questions” about how we as Christians should interact with our friends and family who identify as LGBTQ+. This message today is not a stand alone message, but more like part 4 of one long message throughout this series. . Without hearing those prior messages, I think it will be a little bit hard for you to see my heart and deeply see all the Scriptures that we’ve already studied as the foundation to today’s answers So I can’t encourage you enough to go back and listen. So if you’re listening to this online later, press pause, and go back to week 1 on “What does the Bible say about Gender?” Okay, as we look at these 5 questions today, I want to start by saying that often when we look at specific questions about unique issues (especially ones that the Bible doesn’t give an exact command on), application is hard. We have to connect Biblical principles as best as we can. And it’s also important that, in each of our unique situations, that we are seeking God’s direction through the 3 main channels in which He speaks: HOW GOD GIVES US DIRECTION: #1: Through His Word #2: Through Prayer #3: Through His People This is why it’s SOO important that you get to House Groups this week (and if you’re not in one, sign up for a new one so you can be there in a few weeks!) Many of the questions we received were very specific or situational, and House Groups gives you that opportunity to ask your question and get Godly wisdom! We’re also going to cover a bonus 6th question in house groups this week! (TITLE SLIDE) And let me say all of today’s questions are really, really hard (so thank you very much for the questions!) Therefore, if you were to come up to me after the service and say, “David, what about this point from the opposite side?!” I’m probably going to say, “Yeah, I know, that’s a really compelling point! On many of these questions, even God fearing, Bible believing Christians disagree. But, many of you are asking these questions because you have to make a decision on it! So, I’ve tried my best to study the Scriptures intently and give you the best Biblical principles (and answers) that I can. #1: WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO MY FRIEND WHO IS TRANS, GAY, BISEXUAL, ETC.? Okay, let’s get to the first question: #1: What should I SAY to my friend who is trans, gay, bisexual, nonbinary, etc.? There were a lot of questions about this, and underneath almost all of them was a question like: How can I convince them that it’s wrong? And I think we’re asking this because we live in a Social Media, debate centric world…where we’re often looking for ways to get the best arguments to convince others they’re wrong. But it’s really important to point out that this question is starting from the wrong place. If you’re talking to someone who isn’t a Christ follower, you don’t want to start with moral issues. Take a look at this illustration: (Show Circle Evangelism Illustration) Lots of times we feel this pressure to talk to people about their outward issues…as if that will lead them to Jesus. But if I start talking to my friend about curtailing his drug use, or his constant swearing, or his sexual or gender identity, then either: A) He’s going to be completely turned off and offended. Or B) If I somehow succeed in getting him to change on one of these issues, I haven’t actually led him to Christ, but to moralism, to being a “good person” He’s become a Pharisee, not a Christian And so in spiritual conversations with your friend, you don’t want to work from the outside in, but from the inside out. We need to start, not with debates about the gender binary, or “gotcha arguments” about sexual identity, but with conversations about Jesus…who loves them, and died for them, and wants to know them. Jesus teaches in Mark 7 that it is out of our hearts that our evil thoughts and actions come, and unless we get a heart change by inviting Jesus in, none of those things on the outside can ever change. And so don’t be more concerned about their sexuality than you are about their salvation. Move from the inside out. #2: SHOULD I ATTEND A GAY WEDDING? Okay, let’s get to our second question: #2: Should I attend a gay wedding? This is a tough one with compelling answers on both sides. There are certainly Christ followers who answer, “yes” to this question. And they do so because they believe it’s important to not damage your relationship with the person, and so that you’ll still have a bridge to later share the gospel with them. Now, as someone who loves evangelism, I empathize with that, but the problem is a gay wedding is a celebration of two people coming together in a way that God calls immoral (Romans 1, 1 Corinthians 6, 1 Timothy 1) Now if my neighbors were gay, and they invited me to a Timberwolves Game, I would go... …same as I would go with any other non saved friend. Like Jesus, I want to be in the lives of those who don’t know God. But my presence as a Christian at their wedding celebration will be interpreted as supporting their choices, whether I internally feel that way or not. That’s what attendance at a wedding is about. You go there in support of the couple’s future. Plus, many of these wedding ceremonies have a religious, or even Christian tenor to them, and I don’t want to be present at a ceremony that is using Jesus’ name, or God’s Holy Word, to bless something I know He tells us not to bless. Now, some who answer “Yes,” to this question say that you should firstly share with the person that while you don’t approve of their marriage, you will be at the ceremony to support them as a person. And while I think that’s significantly better than just attending while saying nothing (don’t do that!), I don’t believe that I have to be present at that ceremony to prove to that person that I love them and care about them. Even if that’s what they believe. I think too often what’s underneath our moral choices is the desire that says: “I need to make sure, for the sake of the relationship, that the person is happy with me.” But we should always first be saying, “I need to make sure, for the sake of the relationship, that God is happy with me.” Remember, Jesus also tells us in Luke 12 that following Him, will unfortunately sometimes bring division even in our families because Jesus is our first priority. And I just want to acknowledge that I would be consistent here. For me this isn’t actually about gay or lesbian unions. This is about Christian, Biblical marriage. If I had a guy friend or relative who was a part of the church, but he left his wife and 3 kids to have an affair, and 6 months later, was getting married to the woman he had an affair with, while his family was back in shambles… I wouldn’t go to that wedding either…even if he felt like it would ruin our friendship if I didn’t support him on his big day. I wouldn’t go because that wedding is a celebration of something Christ doesn’t approve of… …and Christ for me comes first! #3: WHAT DO I DO IF MY CHILD COMES OUT? Let’s look to our 3rd question #3: What do I do if my child comes out? If your child sits you down, and says, “Mom, Dad, I’m gay. I’m bisexual. I’m trans.” With 20% of Gen Z now identifying as LGBTQ+, that means this is likely to happen with 1 in 5 of today’s kids. What do you do? Firstly, they need to hear from you is that you love them and always will. Someone’s choices don’t affect our love, Christians. (1 John 4:8) – NIV Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. Secondly, thank them that they told you. They didn’t have to. You want to be thankful that they’re willing to talk about it with you. Acknowledge that it was hard for them to say. Thirdly, you want to start asking questions before you start your commentary on it. “Tell me what makes you feel this way? What led you to this decision?” If you’re ever going to lead them into God’s truth, you have to understand how they’re thinking. fourthly (you don’t have to do this on day one, you may ask for some time to talk and pray first), but you’ll have to tell them, as gently, as loving as you can: What God’s Word says. What His desire is for them. And know that it probably won’t go well at first. But remember, your ultimate goal is to communicate the truth in love. Don’t speak so strongly that you alienate them. But don’t make an idol out of your relationship with them either. In fact, that’s the bigger mistake I see parents make nowadays. They prioritize their relationship with the child above all things… so much so that they won’t share God’s truth with the child…in fear the child would break relationship with them. But prioritize their eternal salvation over even your earthly relationship Luke 15 is a good chapter to study here on how the father deals with the prodigal son And remember our evangelism circle from earlier: If your child isn’t saved, and they don’t have Jesus on the throne of their heart, do not concentrate the bulk of your efforts on your child changing back their gender identity or their sexuality. Your emphasis and your prayer focus should be on them surrendering their life to Jesus. That is what will ultimately change their life. Change is from the inside out. Fifthly, ask for help and resource yourself. Tell your small group leader, your elder, let us help. This is what the body of Christ is for. Review this series. Read the books we recommend. I know I recommend a lot of books, but if this is your life, you HAVE to read: (Out of a Far Country Book Cover). “Out of a Far Country” by Christopher & Angela Yuan. It is the story of a mother praying for her son in this situation, and it’s one of the best books I’ve read in years. And it gives such a good template and pattern for parents to follow in this situation. And Sixthly, no matter what happens, trust in (and rely on) God. The only person who loves your child more than you do, is their Father in Heaven. SHOULD I USE SOMEONE’S PREFERRED PRONOUNS? Okay, let’s move to the 4th question: #4: Should I use someone’s preferred pronouns? This was, by far our most asked question of the series And interestingly, this is also the question that I have thought the most about these past 12 months. Let me start by saying that we need to answer this question on a spectrum. (Show Pronoun Spectrum Slide) How you answer this question for an adult acquaintance, friend or neighbor, a student or minor patient, or your own child or grandchild…is different. So let’s start all the way over to the left with ADULT ACQUAINTANCE. Many of you asked questions about work. You said: “If I’m in a meeting with someone who identifies as a different gender, should I use their preferred pronouns?” Or what about my own pronouns? “Should I put them in my email signature for example?” And many Christians believe that if I say, “I’m David Sorn (he/him)” in a meeting isn’t lying or bending reality, and it allows you to keep that gospel bridge open. While other Christians feel that to participate in sharing your pronouns just reinforces (and gives credence) to the lie that one can become a different gender Again, I think every situation is unique, and you need direction from the Holy Spirit, but here would be my general principles for work: Remember, that if I don’t know an adult that well, and they are not a Christian, I’m not going to go out of my way to call out their morals. We don’t work from the outside in. But at same time, personally, I would avoid using a coworker’s pronouns because I wouldn’t want to reinforce confusion. If I need to address them (or refer to them), I will try to just use their name, which is a bit more arbitrary than gender. Okay, let’s move down the spectrum a bit. What if it’s not just a random co worker, but your FRIEND OR YOUR CLOSE NEIGHBOR that has changed their gender identity? Again, if they don’t know Christ, I treat them like any other person who doesn’t know Christ. Think of it this way: Let’s say you have a different neighbor who is a friend, but you know that he sometimes gets drunk. And while the Bible doesn’t condemn alcohol, it does say drunkenness is a sin. But if this person is not a believer, I’m not going to stop him when he’s walking his dog and say, “I heard you got drunk back in November, you better stop that!” Nobody does that! However, if I’m sitting next to him at a neighborhood bonfire, and he leans over to me and says, “Hey, man do you think I need to cut back on my drinking? My wife told me she gets worried about me when I go overboard a couple of times a year. You don’t think it’s a problem, do you?” I’m going to look at him and say, “Yeah, I think you should stop. It’s hurting your marriage. And honestly, what you really need, to deal with the stress and the pain of life, is my friend Jesus in your life” So I’m not chasing him down with moral rules, but if he asks for an endorsement of his sin, as a Christian, I can’t give that. And so similarly, I’m not going to exhaust my efforts telling my transgender friend & neighbor that his choices are immoral…I’m going to build the relationship and share Jesus from the inside out. But…if along the way my neighbor is insisting that I use his pronouns, I can’t do that. Because if I do, I’m giving my endorsement (and by association, Christ’s endorsement) to his moral choices. There is a very relevant Bible passage for these interesting times in which we live 1 Corinthians 10:27 29a Page 784 In this passage, the Apostle Paul addresses a very tricky situation in his day. The vast majority of people around the Christians in Corinth were idol worshippers, and if a Christian got invited to their house, it was quite possible, the unbeliever would say, “This meat has been sacrificed in worship of my pagan god” So what should you do as a Christian if that happens? (1 Corinthians 10:27 29a) – NIV 27 If an unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience. 28 But if someone says to you, “This has been offered in sacrifice,” then do not eat it, both for the sake of the one who told you and for the sake of conscience. 29 I am referring to the other person’s conscience, not yours. Because if the Christian silently ate the meat of the pagan sacrifice, the non believer is going to assume that the Christian endorses what just happened, and thus gives legitimacy to their pagan god. And Paul says, “We can’t do that!” And the same is true when we endorse pronouns with our friends & neighbors without question. We can’t participate in a lie with our friends, in hopes that that lie will then help us share the truth (Pronoun Spectrum Chart) Okay, let’s move another notch along the spectrum. What should you do if you are a teacher, or a therapist, or a medical professional working with kids or students? Many of you asked this question. And we’re at a different point on the spectrum now because unlike say, corporate America, you are in a position of authority over a minor, a child, and so how we apply this is going to be different. And this is a tough one. Especially because we are neck deep this now… And so we need to think through examples that we’re not currently swimming in. And so I want you to imagine that a 13 year old African American student comes into your classroom after school, or she is your patient at work, and she shockingly says to you: “I know you think I’m black, but I identify as white” “I don’t want you to call me by my birth name anymore. I want a name that sounds more white. “I’ve never felt black. I don’t like black music, I like white music. “And I hate my hair. I want it straightened, and blond. What would you think if a therapist or a teacher said, “Okay, I can affirm that you are White, and we will update that in your file” “Nobody knows that better than you, and your racial identity can only be decided by you. “And even if your parents want to use your old name, we will use your new one.” What would think? You’d be irate. If you felt really uncomfortable that last minute, I want you to know that it’s so uncomfortable for me to even say that illustration out loud. Because it’s just plain wrong! You can’t identify as a race that you’re not. And listen, if that girl was in your classroom, or your office, without hesitation, you’d tell her right then and there that her thinking is wrong, and she is beautiful the way she was made. But if that same 13 year old girl comes to us and says, “I think I’m a boy” …many of you have said to me, “I can’t tell her she’s not…because if I do, I’ll be fired” So let’s talk about this, and know that as your pastor I love you, but this may be the hardest thing I’ve ever said to you When this first started happening, as is often the case when we face something new, many of us were caught off guard and froze in our response. And in a lot of ways, we’re still frozen. Sure, as Christians, we’re not going out of our way to encourage it, but we’re not dissuading it in these environments either. We’re using their new name, their preferred pronouns, and because you’re an authority figure, they 100% interpret that as an endorsement. And I think, as followers of Jesus Christ, we need to take this moment, to stop, and as painful as it may be…and we need to deeply ask, “What would Jesus do…in my situation?” If Jesus were sitting across from a 13 year old girl in a doctor's office, or in a classroom after school, and that girl said, "I think I'm a boy." What would Jesus say? And would His first thought be, "What is my company policy?” And we need to ask “what would Jesus do” because making important moral decisions on the basis of “will this get me in trouble,” is not how we make important moral decisions. The persecuted church knows that deeply already. They get in trouble for almost everything Christian that they do, and so they know they can’t base their moral decisions (of what is right) on if there are personal consequences. And my friends, this has moved WAY beyond teenage boys wanting to dress in girl’s clothing or girls wanting to take a boy’s name. The numbers are rising exponentially every day. Young girls are taking puberty blockers, having their breasts surgically removed, and taking drugs that are sterilizing them. And yet, the range of all available studies shows that 61 88% of these kids will regret these changes after puberty. In their devastation, many of these same young women will soak their pillow with tears knowing that now they will never get to be a mother. And they’ll say, “But my therapist, my teacher, my doctor…none of these adults ever told me no. They never even questioned me.” We are complicit in our silence. I love you all. I love and appreciate so deeply how so many of you are on the front lines of this every day. And don’t run away unless the Lord calls you away. We need you there. I understand the intensity and fear of feeling like you’re going to lose your job if you stand up. But hundreds of thousands of children are being absolutely devastated by this. And if, as followers of Jesus, we won’t draw the line for the protection of children here, where will we draw the line? And so I urge you…especially our Christian principals listening to this, our school board members, and leading teachers… …our influential therapists, are longstanding doctors… Lead the way in banding the rest of these Christ followers together. Listen, most of Europe even has already banned most of these procedures for minors. Heaven and history both are not going to look back kindly on this era of American history. And so I urge you, go now to your superintendent, your school board, your hospital board, and say, “We won’t do this anymore” “Together, as Christians, we won’t participate in this.” “So if you want the 30 of us, the 100 of us, to still work here, let’s talk about how we can change how we do this” And before we move on to our final question, let me say a quick word about your own CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN who want you to use their new pronouns. Again, as we said earlier, we respond in love and in grace. But using their pronouns can not be an option for you as a Christian parent or grandparent. You may be the only person in their life that doesn’t endorse this new false reality. And they need that tether, that lifeline to the truth. Please, I beg you, step out of the cultural waters we’ve all been swimming in the past 5 years that tell us “to not affirm how someone sees themselves is to not love.” That’s simply not true. In the 80’s and 90’s, when anorexia and bulimia were exploding, if your teenage daughter came to you at 85 pounds and said, “Mom, dad, don’t you dare call me skinny. I’m huge. Call me fat.” Would you? Because that’s how they see themselves? Not in a million years. You’d say, “Oh, sweetheart. I can’t. That’s not true. And I love you too much to lie to you.” And the same principle applies here. #5: WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON, HOW DO WE HAVE HOPE? Okay, here is our final question: #5: With everything going on, how do we have hope? This is where we need to press deeply, not only into the truth of who our God is, but into our own Christian history. In the early centuries of Christianity, Christ followers were a very small minority in an over sexualized culture that had almost no limits on sexual behavior. And yet, you need to know that the Christians didn’t change their beliefs regarding sex and holy living even though no one else agreed with them, and called them uptight bigots because of it. The Christians trusted in their Higher Authority, Jesus Christ. And those same Christians changed the world, not by enforcing their morality on it, but by bringing Jesus to it. Because when Jesus gets on the throne of someone’s heart, everything changes. And He then guides them in the way that leads to life. And as we look to the past, in many ways, I think we could benefit greatly by looking at the late 1960’s and early 1970’s Those days, much like our own over the past 3 or 4 years, were days of great tension and unrest. And out of the frustration of those days, the hippie movement was born. Young people who were sick and tired of authority and the old ways, and wanted to live without boundaries in peace and love…which also meant drugs, and promiscuous sex, and more. And the promise of the hippie movement was enormously strong at first. Kids from all over the country flocked to places like California where they could finally be themselves and follow their urges and desires. And yet, as the years went by, the hippies didn’t find enlightenment, peace, or love…but emptiness and pain. And the sad truth is: Most Christians thought the hippies were absurd, or disgusting, or even despicable. And I fear that many Christians today think the same way about the LGBTQ+ community. But that is not the heart of Jesus. And it wasn’t the heart of some of his followers back in the 60’s & 70’s With the help of Chuck Smith and Calvary Chapel, which is so well chronicled by the excellent movie “Jesus Revolution,” many Christians in California began to reach out to the hippie community. And these brave Christians pushed themselves out of their comfort zones and went right to the hippies to love and share Jesus with these lost students and young adults. And as a result, God moved in revival like ways. At its height, Calvary Chapel in California was seeing 200 people a week come to Christ, mostly hippies, and was baptizing thousands in the ocean every month. Sociologists says that the Calvary Chapel movement, which eventually became the Jesus People movement, led to 20 to 30 million people eventually coming to Christ as the resurgence of interest in Christ spread nationwide and globally. And fascinatingly, today, you’d be hard pressed to even find a hippie, but the church marches on. And so I urge you, as the years go by in this new movement, and more and more people that have been seeking life in new genders and sexualities come to the end of themselves, we cannot, we MUST NOT, be walled off from them. We must go to them. And so I ask you: Who are the people in this room who will get on their knees and say, “God send me!” Who are the people in this room who will risk to bring Christ to confused and empty community? Where are you? Are you here? They need you! Will you go? Listen… Hate will not save the day. Tolerance will not save the day. But the Gospel of Jesus Christ will save the day! Let’s go. Let me pray.